Son:Dad, my math teacher yelled at me today!
Dad: Why?! Son: My teacher asked me what is 3 x 2, and I answered 6.
Dad: That's right!
Son: Then he asked me what is 2 x 3
Dad: WTH is the difference?
Son: That's what I said... :P:P:P
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Boy : bitch .
Girl : I've been called worse before .
Boy : oh , really what ?
girl : ur girlfriend :P:P:P
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After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
Junior said “the number u are trying to call is not reachable“. :D:v:P
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A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”
“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him.”
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“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”
The guy says he’ll buy him, but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”
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He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.
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Once a
husband put some urine in a bottle to take to doctor as doctor has given his
urine test. But he forgot to take the bottle and left for office. By this time
wife saw the bottle and she thought may be some water in the bottle she washed
and keep it.
After sometimes husband telephoned her that I forgot to bring the bottle of
urine, so I am right now coming home to take the bottle.
Pregnant wife afraid and to avoid scolding she has taken her urine in the same
bottle and keep it for his husband. When the man take the bottle to the doctor
after urine test doctor told that “You are pregnant”.
The husband came to home and told to wife “I told you not to come top, now
doctor is telling that “I am pregnant”.
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A lady was
picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find
one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead so they cant grow.”
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A man went
to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
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A big Hunter
in a party talking about his hunting career and told, “Yes I used to shoot
tigers in Africa.” The listeners protested saying there are no tigers on that
continent.
The Hunter replied, “Of course I shot them all.”
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Two campers
are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the
clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically
begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers
won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun
you.”
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Daughter
told to her mother, “Right now I have seen a healthy white big cat went out
from our kitchen”
Mother told, ” It is good sign and fortune to see a white big cat.”
Daughter replied, “Yes fortune is that it has eaten all of your foods.”
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A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You must be feeling terrible.”
Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said “Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle”
The old woman fainted hearing all this.
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A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”
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“Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” goes the noise form within the mental hospital’s wards.
The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”
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The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years…..
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Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found…
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters…
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It’s by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use… Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus.
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If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
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An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”
“If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him:
“Then you try again…!”
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Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“
“What if you have an accident?”
The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.”
The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”
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Two girls are talking about their future husband. One is telling that she will marry An archeologist. Second girl asked why?
She told, “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have.The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
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A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: “Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!”
The priest inquired: “Why must you pray so, my child?”
Girl: “That’s what I’ve written in my answer sheet in the examination!”
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Son asked the father “Worry causes tension and tension causes disease, is it true dad?”
Father says, “Of course, Yes.”
Son replied, “That is why I stopped worrying about my studies.”
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Question: What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea, please.
Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea
Question: How would you like it? Black or White?
Answer: White
Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?
Answer: With milk.
Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?
Answer: With cow milk please.
Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I’ll take it black.
Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.
Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar ?
Answer: Cane sugar.
Question: White , brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.
Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water
Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I’ll rather die of thirst.
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A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.
Incredible! Exclaimed the man. I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!
No, no, pleaded the dog. Please don’t! If he finds out i can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!
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